i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am never drinking with the goths again.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
