for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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