i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
