The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
