That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
