I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
