cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
