I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
