I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
