my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
