Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
