saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
