dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
