I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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