That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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