New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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