I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
