i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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