recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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