You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
