oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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