i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize