mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
