in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
should my penis look like a turkey
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
