i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is Oprah even human
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
