Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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