I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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