I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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