his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
