Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
