Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
