i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
