i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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