I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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