I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
