I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
