I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
