I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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