How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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