You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
