Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize