just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize