she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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