Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
