guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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