Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
