My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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