I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize