You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I smell stomach acid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
17 year olds will be the death of me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
