So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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