Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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