Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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