Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
