i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is Oprah even human
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
