Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
