so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
