My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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