I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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